Like many of you, I read various news stories online. Often there will be announcements of someone who has died and what catches my eye will be what it is that is absent from the story, the cause of death. If it is Person X was killed in an airplane/automobile/motorcycle crash it will readily be shared. Or perhaps it is along the lines of “after a long battle with cancer.” So when there is nothing, I can’t help but ask, “Was it a suicide?” And if so, how is the family handling this devastating news?
When my brother died by suicide I was in totally unfamiliar terrain. I had the good fortune of searching and finding a survivors of suicide support group. The naming is a but confusing when perhaps “loss survivors support group” would be more clear to outsiders. Joe died on a Friday, I found out the following morning and the next Monday evening I was sitting in a circle of people sharing my story and then hearing others say things like, “The first two years were the worst for me……” That was hard to hear with me worrying, “Am I going to feel this bad for the next two years? Oh, shit.”
That support group was a grueling experience twice a month but also a life ring tossed my way in a sea of despair that would likely have pulled me under. I also sought books on the subject from the perspective of others who had walked this path before me to gather all the guidance and advice I could grab onto.
There I was walking up to the info desk at my local bookstore blocks from work. “Can I help you?” asked the employee. “Where are your books on suicide grief work?” or something like that came out of my mouth while I kind of heard it from above or beside myself. The employee just stood there perplexed as though I’d asked where the kryptonite was. It also felt taboo to even be asking for this.
After being shown the grief work books, none of the titles I’d found online were there on the shelf to meet my need for something right now. Nothing. I purchased a number of books I’d found mentioned online with that company that gets you items quickly while crushing local book sellers.
While awaiting those I found this helpful PDF that I printed out, carried to work and read over and over, at breakfast, during my lunch break, and on many evenings.
https://suicidology.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/SOS_handbook.pdf
Some time into that early phase of loss I also reached out to Forefront, a suicide prevention and research group at the University of Washington. The person I spoke with said, “Would you like us to send you a care package?” I nearly broke down crying at my desk at work as I said yes, especially as nearly all my fellow employees did all they could to not engage with me on what I was going through. No flowers, no sympathy card….just a fucked up stigma laden dance of everything I’d recommend not doing in the company of somebody who had just lost a loved one to suicide. There were a couple of people at work who weren’t that way but they were a tiny minority.
When the care package arrived from Forefront it included things like a blank journal, a pen, some tea, a teacup that I still look at and clearly remember where I got that one. It also had a few books including After Suicide Loss: Coping with your Grief by Jack Jordan, Ph. D. and Bob Baugher, Ph. D. This was weeks after the loss and the book stood out as something I’d hand to anyone right after getting such horrible news. I could picture chaplains, police officers, medical examiners in touch with families each having this book to pass along to those in the club that nobody wants to join.
I’m writing this now, nearly 7-years after my brother’s death by suicide as I’d seen a local news story that was followed a few days later by a county email list I get notifications from stating that the cause of death was suicide. I thought of that local coroner speaking with the family and of course the family in that horrible new state of existence.
Where would they turn for support? Would they replicate my quest for books at a library or bookstore if they could even utter the words?
So I reached out via email to our county coroner and recommended this book mentioned above, even told him I’d pitch in for a number of copies if the county didn’t have the resources for this. He wrote back and thanked me this week. And in the middle of composing this, I wrote him back to thank him and his staff for their service while also suggesting the pdf document mentioned above.
One last thing I’ll mention from the point of view of one who has listened to many a loss survivor share. Don’t get caught up in the manner of suicide like self-inflicted gunshot, jumping, drowning and so on. That is really besides the point and not helpful as a loss survivor or one comforting a loss survivor. Sure, you can listen to someone tell you the details but don’t dwell on that. Focus on the loss, the grief, what pain that person must have been in to go to such an extreme act. Support yourself or another with an open and loving heart.